Robert Brown Number 1 Success I.

Part I. Surreal world

My last job in New Mexico was my first real foray into “the real world” and how it did terrify me. I had all but finished school and knew the exact day set for the move. Christianne was bouncing back and forth between Philly and Albuquerque making all of the arrangements, doing the packing. My only chore was to sludge to a day job for three months and save us some money. There is something so freeing about knowing exactly when you are going to get out.

I got hired as a small business accounts rep for Sprint. The job was part good old fashioned telemarketing, part maintaining and servicing the accounts already acquired. When I applied they gave us a full battery of IQ tests. I thought it a little odd for a corporation to do this but I’ve taken plenty before and I buzzed through them. Did they need written proof to see if someone was a fucktard?

I was called back in and offered the position and the HR rep explained job. This was at the time right before cell phones really took over. Sprint PCS had a building there too, but didn’t even have service in New Mexico yet. The long distance wars were in full effect and the sprawling office of grey cubicles were laid out in clusters of sales teams. While I dreaded the idea of working there, they had a huge system of incentives and bonuses. I was getting a shit load of money and they didn’t even expect me to make a sale for the first month. A lot of the money was up front just for even starting. When I walked out of the office, a tiny Chinese lady was waiting for me. “My name is June” she said “I am team manager and you Robert Brown, are going to work on my team because you are number 1.”
“Uh, Okay.”
She showed me to the grey cubical cluster like it was a wonder to behold. “We are Team Success” June announced waving her hand over my future desk like a game show girl displaying a prize. “Team Success is number 1 sales team in all of Sprint. We would be honored if you chose us, Robert Number 1.”
“Uh, sure. I guess.” (what the fuck?)
A frazzled balding suit came running up to us. ”Damn it, I guess June got to you first” he said to me.
I just stared at him. June Grinned.
“Well either way, it’s good to have you on board” he said shaking my hand.
“This was Tim” June said after he left. “His team number 3 sales team. That’s no good for you.”

My training class lasted three weeks. Three weeks of intensive training. The answer was yes, they needed written proof that someone was a fucktard. “This is a mouse. We use it to move the cursor around the screen like so…” the instructor demonstrated as I quietly banged my head on the table.

June would periodically check in on me to make sure the class was going well, that I didn’t have any issues or concerns and generally to make sure I was happy and comfortable.
“The team is eager to have you join us Robert number 1” she would beam. “Soon you will be with your new family.”
I had no idea what was going on. There were 30 people in my training class. None of them had their managers doting on them or even checking on them for that matter. I was nervous and uncomfortable with the attention, convinced there had been some error they would discover or my star status was due to some mistaken identity.

One day June interrupted the class to bring me a slice of cake.
“What makes you so special?” the bitter middle aged woman next to me quipped under her breath.
“I have a huge cock.” I said out loud and took another bite.

It was as good an explanation as any other.

(originally written circa 2006-2008)

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